I am that I am

English: Deepak Chopra in November 2006, speak...

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“…Death has been with you every moment of your life…You have survived thousands of deaths every day as your old thoughts, your old cells, your old emotions, and even your old identity passed away. Everyone is living in the afterlife right now. What is there to fear? When people wonder if the personality survives death, the answer is that personality doesn’t even survive while we are alive. We are not the same person we were five, ten, or fifteen years ago…Our personalities are constantly evolving, transforming, growing.” ~ Deepak ChopraLife After Death: The Burden of Proof

In his book, Chopra mentioned that we can experience both happiness and sadness with the same welcome, because neither are real. This really hit home later while I was cooking dinner a wave of fruitlessness passed over me. As I focused on this emotion, I remembered that it wasn’t really ‘me’ and away it went. It was the first time I practiced non-attachment of my emotions and realized how freeing it could be.

So if I am not my personality, my body or my thoughts, who am I? While I believe that I am an eternal, perfect being—a lifetime of a changing body, events, and thoughts have made it nearly impossible to totally comprehend this belief.

I have tried to “find” my true self by meditating daily, losing myself to the love that flows through me. I know that this perception is much closer to the real me than my normal reality, but it’s still a limited experience, because it uses my senses. Chopra wrote, “Vedanta holds that consciousness is convinced by its own creations. Therefore, nothing we can see, hear, and touch, whether in waking, dreaming, or beyond both, is ultimately real. They represent shifting perspectives.” It is the illusion convincing itself of its own reality!

If this life is an illusion, then where do we really reside? We often think of our true selves going “somewhere” after we die, such as heaven or hell.

I had an experienced in October 2010, a few days after my mother passed, which helped me to see that we don’t go anywhere—it is only our perception that changes. The event took place at my mother’s workplace. I was in a meeting with my sister and the HR director who was going over our mother’s life insurance benefits, which had been split evenly between us. Then the HR director mentioned that my mother’s pension had been given solely to my sister. I immediately felt resentment, but I didn’t want to feel this way toward my sister, especially while I was grieving for my mother. So I asked the Spirit to take this painful emotion from me. It was then that I experienced my greatest miracle.

Here are the details taken from my book, Shaman Stone Soup“After the meeting, we were taken to my mother’s cubicle to clean it out. I was emotionally distant from my sister as we emptied the drawers. I kept battling against the resentment that picked at me, and I asked the Spirit to take this thought from me.

Suddenly, my mother’s spirit descended over me. Her presence completely surrounded me and her vision became mine. Through my mother’s eyes, the whole world glowed with love and beams of light radiated from my sister. My mother’s memories filled my consciousness, and I could see my sister as the little girl, teenager and young woman she had raised. My mother saw her as an innocent daughter, who would be taken care of with the pension she had inherited. I felt the comfort that it gave my mother and the love she had for my sister.

Immediately, all resentment left me. I knew my mother had given the pension out of love, and as I experienced that love, it became impossible for me to feel anything else. 

Then my mother was gone.”

Although I had never left the room, the dreary office space had transformed into golden light. My sister, the room and even the world, became faint outlines and love became the predominant vision. It made me realize that we don’t go someplace else to find ourselves. Love is all around us.

Death was not the end of my mother. She was able to communicate with me and send her love. The miracle had helped to show that we are all connected, whether we have a body or not.

Perhaps recognizing our true selves is taken in baby steps. Starting with a willingness to find it and asking for help from a higher source who sees beyond our illusion. We then begin receiving visions and experiences of pure love, which help us to develop a more “real” perception within this illusion, a step that allows us to ready ourselves for the final step into all-encompassing love.

The Smallest Particle

Blood Cells

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One lazy day, when I was 14-years-old, I was lying on the living room floor letting my thoughts wander. For no particular reason, I wondered if there was a limit to how small a particle could be. I envisioned a blood cell, then the particles that made up the cell, then the sub-atomic particles that made up those particles, imagining each particle dividing into a smaller particle. My mind zoomed through each division until suddenly I was in the presence of God!

What an unexpected occurrence! There was no doubt in my mind that the vision was real, yet the reason for the vision was beyond me at the time. So today, many decades later, I asked the Spirit to give me the meaning. Below is the channeled response:

“You do not find yourself out there. You find yourself within. The vision was symbolic. It showed the journey to the inner self, the self that is connected to God…the self that is not fooled by outward forms and dreams of temporary events. You let your mind be open and receptive, if only for a moment, but that was enough..that is all it takes. You do not need a lifetime of trying to find yourself. You are already with God.

The outward form is an illusion created by the mind, a smoke screen blocking your awareness of your true self. When you are ready to let go of this ‘protective’ shield, you will see the world for what it is…nothing. You will be at one with your perfect self, as you were created. You will be awake once again.

Your thoughts continue to block your return. Thoughts shield you from hearing your true self, who is trying to reach out to you…thoughts block help from the Spirit. Sit quietly and let it come. What have you to lose except unhappiness and fear?”

“It is quite possible to reach God. In fact it is very easy, because it is the most natural thing in the world. You might even say it is the ONLY natural thing in the world.” ~ A Course in Miracles

Close the Curtains

Closed red curtain at the Coolidge Corner Thea...

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We got what we wanted. Long ago, in a blink of an eye, we created this universe. Our powerful selves, created by the thought of God, possessed the power to create. And so we did.

Being God’s children, it took only an instant to create all thoughts of time and space, and for all the events to play out every imaginable scenario, from the richest life to the lowest form of humanity, from glad scenes to acts of war. And, at the end of this “play,” we realized that none of it was equal to or better than our home in heaven. And, like the prodigal son, we want to go home.

Going home is the goal, yet, guilt and fear of retribution causes our delay. And so, we keep our mind focused on reruns of the play, drifting from one scene to the next, unable to face our deepest fears.

Because the mind is still focused on the play, it needs help from the Spirit to release its guilt and fear and remember its true self. The mind needs to be reminded that the actors on the stage are not real, and that the scenes of hate, fear, and guilt can be transformed into scenes of love. Eventually, we will rewrite the entire play, leaving only the acts of love, and then, the last person sitting will get up and leave the theater.

Stepping Out of Time

Today, I read an article about Joey Shelton and his brother who stopped an attempted kidnapping of a young woman who was jogging. When Joey saw a man dragging a woman into a car during broad daylight, he thought to himself, “This is not going to happen!”

Then he and his brother selflessly put themselves in harm’s way to prevent what would have been a tragic outcome otherwise. Unfortunately, his selfless act resulted in a fractured and compressed discs in his back. But, perhaps even this has a purpose. Joey has been unemployed and uninsured for months. Perhaps a job offer is forthcoming? [Update: The hospital has agreed to waive the medical fees and help him apply for assistance, and the RBC bank fund has received a substantial amount of donations. In addition, Joey was given a key to the city!]


I also had an experience when I thought the same words: “This is not going to happen!” I was in my yard and believed my dog, Brownie, was with my husband and vice versa. When I saw my husband alone in the garage, we urgently began to look for him and spotted Brownie in the middle of the road. Two cars were speeding from both directions and neither seemed to have time to stop – even if they slammed on their brakes! I let out a primal scream and my mind raged, “No! This is not going to happen!”

In the midst of my anguish, time stood still. The cars that were approaching coasted, slowly, without struggle or the sound of slamming brakes to a complete stop as though they were riding on pillows. By the time the cars stopped, I had reached the road, although it was not physically possible to cover that distance in that amount of “time.” With the cars stopped and waiting, time resumed and I scooted Brownie out of the road.

I learned a lot from that episode. I learned that when we are truly in the moment and in touch with our higher selves, we have the power to control our lives. I learned that time is an illusion that can be stepped in and out of.

I know that when we are able to let go of this body and connect with our higher selves, we react and create perfectly. With no limitations — not even time and space can hold us back.

Blessed journeys!