I received an inquiry from a casting director in NYC who is developing a new TV show on spiritual healers, shamans and medicine men and women. He invited me to submit a bio and an overview of my practice. It seems like a wonderful opportunity, yet I really can’t see a TV crew coming here to shoot my rather ordinary life.

I am sure they will be looking for magical happenings and blue smoke coming out from under doors. All they will find here is a woman raising two kids and a husband who works on the house on the weekends.

Miracles don’t always have an outward appearance. Sometimes a healing is peace of mind or being able to forgive an old wound.

Shamans have dealt with the “outward appearance” problem throughout time and have developed rituals, dances and other displays to help people feel that something was “really” happening. But, rituals have never been my “thing.” Sure, I have a few that help prepare people to lay on a healing bed with a quiet mind, but I doubt that burning sage and hitting my buffalo drum a few times is going to be a show stopper.

And, would the TV crew catch the spontaneous miracles, such on the one I experienced with my mom a few days after she suddenly passed away? She gave me the greatest miracle I have ever experienced, and yet, it wouldn’t have been visible on camera…it was of another realm. (To read about this miracle, click here.)

When my mother died over a year ago, I lost my biggest supporter and it sent me into a tail spin. Before, when I would question my path, she was the one to gently remind me that there was nothing more important than healing. She was the one to alleviate my doubts. Since her passing, I have had to build my trust in the Spirit’s guidance with no mortal reassurance. This is ultimately a good thing, but it’s a journey that I haven’t finished.

How would I explain returning to my previous profession and taking a job as a creative marketing manager after her death, because it pays much better than healing. Or the healing that has taken place as I found myself working among people on spiritual paths so different from my own?

Stepping outside the “new age” community has expanded my opportunities to face old fears and provided accelerated healing opportunities. I am unraveling the constrictive labels of healer and shaman, because ultimately, we have to let go of everything. I know that when I have shed the limiting skin of this world, I will find the only thing that truly matters…my perfect spirit.

I don’t regret taking the job—not after all the healing that has taken place. I needed to remember what it was like feel like a “normal” person, if only to let go of it. Each conflict at work allowed me to bring to the surface my unconscious guilt, fear, anxiety, jealousy, and even the pain from the death of my mother, which I offered to the Spirit for healing.

For example, I learned that my resistance at working for someone else was symbolic of my resistance of doing the work the Spirit was guiding me to do. I learned that when I didn’t want to do more work than was asked of me and felt stingy about giving it, it was symbolic of me withholding the Spirit’s gifts from myself. I learned that when I felt powerless on the job, it was symbolic of me feeling like a victim of this world, instead of the creator of my life.

And now, I find myself torn between following shamanism, which has been so helpful to my spiritual growth and a loving comfort on my journey, and coming to a fork in the road where I feel the need to let go of this and all modalities. That ultimately, the only thing that matters is unlimited communication with the Spirit, letting love flow freely, and knowing that there is no separation between me and the whole world.